Lesson 1: Nappy changes
- Nappy filling is always accompanied by loud noises.
- Keep an endless supply of spare vests and babygros for inevitable accidents.
- Never remove a nappy for more than 3 seconds without preparing for a soaking (N.B. cover your eyes), or a surge of explosive diarrhoea.
Lesson 2: Feeding and burping
- Zachary will demand a feed every 1-2 hours, day and night, especially in traffic jams.
- To burp baby Zachary, copy the photo below and rub his back. If he starts to choke, you are holding him too tight!
- Approximately once a day, baby Zachary will decide he didn't like that delicious milk you just gave him and insist on explosively vomiting up the entire feed, before demanding you immediately feed him again.
Lesson 3: Sleeping is for the day time
- After his night time feeds, Zachary falls asleep. However, if you try to put him back in his cot Zachary immediately wakes as soon as you set him down.
- Hold Zachary for at least half an hour until you are sure he is completely asleep before setting him down.
- If you plan to show Zachary to friends during the day, he will almost always be asleep.
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